ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
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40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Okay
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you