Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.