me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I wanna be friends with this person
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.