me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
