Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

Worth remembering.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

girls literally only want one thing..

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row