Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

Yup.

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

Phonetics

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

I am also baked goods

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.