Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?![]()
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.