Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

😂

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.