Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.