Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

😭🤣

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

Dammit Chief not again

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians