Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.