Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?

“Queuecumbers”.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Look at this

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

oh my gosh!!

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne