Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?