Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
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My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.