Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
lmfao come on
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.