Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

all that yoga finally paid off

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.