Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

lmfao come on

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.