Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spring of Deception

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.