me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
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Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
this is uni
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
uncle dave has been through hell
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.