Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
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There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I always check on the non existent cake in the oven when the dryer timer goes off.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die