Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.