Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

oh no, steve’s working tonight

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Doggies just call it style.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Namaste

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.