Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son