Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler