Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.