Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

what’s more important?

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings