Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at