Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
You Might Also Like
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!