Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
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My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Oh thanks BBC.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention