Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

i would wish you the best but i am the best

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point