Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
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Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial