Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
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Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Alexa turn off the planet
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.