Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
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*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
What the hell is going on?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it