me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*