me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
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One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Mornin
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!