Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!