Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

This guy gets it.

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.