Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

Daughter: This is a long movie preview.

Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times