Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

this has to be peak English

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

Revenge served cold

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”