Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
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“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Accurate
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain