Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.