Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously