Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important