Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
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Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
i will avenge u mr van gogh