Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
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6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.