me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.