Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony