Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

Never ghost your hitman.

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.