me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
notice
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!