ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
opening twitter today
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Mad Max: Furry Road
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
