ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
no such thing as a dumb question
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
