@NoChillPosts

ME EVERY WEEK OF SCHOOL

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@carlyken

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

@truegritrumble

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

@PaulKaloper

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

@loribuckmajor

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

@Integrity_Guy

BuzzFeed is selling all your quiz data. If you were wondering what Ninja Turtle you were in 2011 and got “Michelangelo,” good luck getting a mortgage now.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

@FuckabillyRex

*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.

*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.

@edgarrants

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

@MooseAllain

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.