@NoChillPosts

ME EVERY WEEK OF SCHOOL

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@NicCageMatch

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

@OakHill_

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

@howe007

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

@faizziy

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

@SatansTongue

*Dentistry school*
Here’s your final:
*stabs student*
Why is he bleeding
“Because you stabbed him?”
FAIL
“Because he doesn’t floss”
CORRECT!

@alexlumaga

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

@shkeeber

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

@aidanjsears

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve