Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

New skill unlocked

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.