ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
courtroom exchange of the day
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝