ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Can Happiness buy money?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
