Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.