Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
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But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
philosophical skeletons be like
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
How do you milk an almond?
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work