Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
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OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*