Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
