Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

grandparents are too precious for this world

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

We made a comic about a space heater.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Life cycle of cat

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

Science is fun!

#nottrue

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.