Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
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Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I can fix him.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.