me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Cat or sheep
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you