me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
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my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.