Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.