me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
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I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.