Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys