Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

A game married people play.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

You had me at “define legal”.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.