Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
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I feel like Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” describes how a woman’s chin hair grows back.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
🤝
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
This is Sparta
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
two people or more is called a problem
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.