Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
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ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Saw this yesterday lol
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house