Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
This story is comedy gold 😂
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water