Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.