Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
notice
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[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
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I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!